I thought I saw a hawk running away with a chicken Friday

last Friday, my day didn't start out like anyone else's in my office.  I got in from California at 10:00 on Thursday night.  Then the hour plus home from the airport, on the way home I bought some Fritos and a sprite.  Once home, I had a beer and a hard boiled egg.

I'm up at 6:00.  As is my habit, I put on pajama pants, a t-shirt and a fleece, went down stairs, made coffee and started to empty the dishwasher.  Something was wrong.  The chickens were making too much noise.  So I looked out the window.  I knew something was really wrong when I saw Bill running down into the yard.  Bill is our favorite rooster.  We have about 5, 4 too many.  Bill never ins down into the yard, Only Tom does.

I fumbled with my shotgun and tried to find shells.  I have a great ability to forget where I keep my guns.  Something one would think one would not easily misplace.  I managed 2 Upland Game loads.  Pretty light, 2 3/4 inch shells.  I walked up to the chicken coop, realizing I really couldn't see yet.  My eyes are sort of fuzzy in the morning.  If you are over 50, you probably understand.

The chickens were in an uproar.  A chicken fit if you will.  I didn't see any obvious predator.  no cats.  Then I saw the horses jump about.  so I climbed the fence (yes, in my pajamas) into the paddock.  I found a baby chick.  wondered if it was EmmaGrace's favorite one, she named it Ally.

Out in the pasture I saw what looked like a hawk waddle running through the field.  I rubbed my eyes and blinked several times, then realized it was a fox carrying a chicken so I "aimed" the shotgun and shot.  Not surprisingly,  given that I had just woken up and just hours before had been in California ... I'm guessing I missed since just then, the chicken that looked like a waddling hawk but was really the potential meal of a fox, came running back towards me.  He was actually my least favorite rooster ....

I then climbed the fence into the pasture (yes in my pajamas) and wandered about a bit.  I scared up a fox, another fox, the same fox, I don't really know.  I shot my last round.  I didn't find anything.  Given the length of the pasture grass and my level of awareness, it isn't surprising that I missed.

I told EmmaGrace (our daughter) about the events of the morning.  By the time I got home Friday night, Kathy was wondering why I killed a fox.  13 year old girls can get things rather mixed up and exaggerated ......

My 3" heavy loads are now next to my gun and I think I'll be mowing the pasture this weekend.  I wonder what I'll find tomorrow ?  I'm getting up early.

Never mind and oh how things have changed...

First of all never mind what I said on Sunday.  (we'll get back to that).

Second.  I flew to San Francisco today.  I am in a $99 hotel room.  the picture is out my window, it is a wall and the employee entrance to the "magical" San Leandro Hotel.  While I am on San Francisco bay, this is my view.  The employees, leaving via the employee entrance, tried not to notice me, shirtless after a run, sitting at my desk.  If this were the reality show with curb your enthusiasm music playing, I would be happily, ignorantly (I live in Dodge county on a farm, remember) sitting at my computer, in front of my giant mirror (you can't miss my image as you leave the door) typing away.  Unfortunately, my reality is more real than reality TV, so I smile as each employee leaves, sees me, then tries not to.

Apparently, even though I make substantially more per hout than I did in the 1990's, my lodging accommodations have declined rather a lot .....  guess i'll take the trade off - it's what we do in wisconsin right?

So, what I said on Sunday ........ It is true that I didn't want to run 100 miles that day.  In fact, it is good that I didn't - given that I was stuck on a plane for 4.5 hours today - and I actually had time to kill, so I went for a 7ish ( probably 8ish in Ron miles) mile run today (which is kind of amazing, relatively speaking ...... I only ran 62 miles three days ago - so I might as well go for a run that would be kind of far for lots of people....)- i.e., the whole I like to run thing worked out.  However - I STILL WANT TO RUN ANOTHER 100 MILES !!!!!!   CRAP, CRAP, CRAP - Kathy - are you reading this ????  How do I reconcile not wanting to run 100 miles whilst running 100 miles and wanting to run 100 miles after not running 100 miles !! ???  Do I hear the Hallucination 100  calling?  Is there any 'noobee" out there that needs a "seasoned" (hardly) 100 miler to run Sawtooth with them ?  OH DEAR....... the saga...... the addiction ..... the desire ..... endures !!!crap, crap, crap.

If only my greatest desire was to watch as much baseball (or football, or basketball or NASCAR) as possible......

Guess I'll sleep on it.  but will have to put put in my ear plugs since along with the room with the employee entrance, is some sort of giant compressor machine that kicks in every few minutes.... do these Californians think they have it better than us ?...... !!!!!! Kathy complained last night that Tom was gobbling just too loud ... really !?  really !!!! ??

I'm not sure what it was

It wasn't the schedule.  I was ahead of schedule.  The schedule allowed for some pretty slow sections.  Even at the end that wasn't the end except it was, I was ahead of schedule.

It wasn't the weather.  It was cool and breezy.  perfect-ish day to run (I did sun-burn the back of my head however since I got my hair cut "special" for the race since it's always hot that day - except it wasn't.  And, the hair-cut was extra special since my barber, wo weighs at least 300 lbs and has had open heart surgery, hurt his back over memorial day weekend (imagine that) and his daughter was there and she's not all that good with the clippers).

It wasn't my conditioning.  I've put in plenty of miles.  I was actually passing people on the second 50K.  One guy that was waiting for his runner (he would be pacing someone for the evening) kept saying I look great.  And actually, relatively speaking I did.

It wasn't my stomach, really, relatively speaking.  I ran some with Logan.  At the 100k point - he looked awful.  White and awful.  I was having trouble eating.  The Gu wasn't cutting it.  but I was able to get watermelon down - best watermelon I have ever had.  And oranges.  Some sandwich squares.  But I was bloating.  Drinking lots but feeling dehydrated.  Nothing an hour of walking couldn't have cured though.  I would have been fine.

I was tired though.  I started noticing the benches along the trail and envisioned me sitting in them being at peace with not moving.  That's actually been happening all spring.  I've noticed large rocks here and there on some of my runs.  There are days when the sun is out and I just want to sit down.  But I didn't and I don't because I was training for the Kettle 100.  Is that when it started?

I didn't sleep well the night before last.  I had night sweats and had to get up 5 times even though I only had 2.5 beers between 5:00 and 9:00.  I think it was just stress.  A very major internal conflict.  I can imagine a cancer patient, trying to sleep the night before they are to go receive their first chemo treatment.  One side of their brain saying you have to do this and here is why.  The other half, the half that holds their soul, the half that holds the self that is still a child and needs to be taken care of saying - but I don't want to, I'm too scared.  Now, running a hundred is not like having cancer - do not even begin to think that I would equate anything in my life to that (and it you've no idea why I'm adding this qualifier - go talk to a cancer patient) - but the conflict I was having over running 100 miles was the same as described above.

The conflict.  In 2007, I decided I wanted to run 100 miles.  And I did - I was 45.  I had magical moments with my brother and sister and sister-in-law.  I felt alive.  Kathy was still in cancer treatement-ish but was there to support me.  I was surrounded by family and love and accomplished what I set out to do.  In 2008, we had storms and I quit at the 100K and that bugged me.  So, I took a weekend from my family and went to Superior.  I had kathy's cancer hat and when I wanted to quit, I kept thinking - no - this is way easier than chemo and there is no way I can take a whole weekend from my sick wife and family and not do what I set out to do.  so I did.  In 2009 I did Kettle again.  Kathy and the girls were there and I honestly have no memory of being at the 100K point and going out again.  I remember it was cold and I remember kathy was there at all the stops and I remember that I was pretty happy.  In effect, perhaps, I ran the perfect 100.  I quit at Vermont because Kathy was there with the RV and I didn't want to run anymore.  I was sick or was hurt until fall 2011 when I went to Superior again.  At mile 6 I decided I had no interest in running 100 miles.  I quit at mile 43.

My friend Kevin signed up for Kettle.  So I did too (kids - peer pressure never goes away).  2 weeks ago, running in the hot hot sun.  I got the idon'twannas.  I considered asking to be taken off the list.  but I didn't.

So,  after being a nervous wreck for 2 weeks and not getting any sleep the night before, I show up at 6:00 AM to run the kettle 100 and I am a nervous wreck.  We start and we start too fast.  But I am fine.  By mile 40, I'm tired etc (see above) and I realize, I just don't want to do this anymore.  I finally don't and really don't care (I actually knew this last september at Superior, but apparently forgot).  I can see my friend Joel, piloting his pontoon boat saying in a slightly slurred and at the same time over enunciated way "I just don't have the desire"  and at the same time, my other friend Dave saying - "I am no 100 mile runner."  As I noted, I have the conditioning, and as the guy above noted, I look fine so I pretty much decide to just finish out the 100K.  It is quitting, but It kind of isn't.  But is is.  And that's OK.  I'm 50.  I like running marathons and 50k's and 50 miles and even Voyageur 50 which takes 11 hours.  I just do not need to run another 100.  If I want to stay up late and feel magic and alive and loved by my family - I'll take them up to the boundary waters and we'll stay up late, siting on a rock outcropping in the middle of a lake, looking up at the stars, wondering what we're doing here but knowing we're here with whom we're here and we're all in it together and each of us is taking care of each other.

So what was it?  Another chapter of my life closed yesterday.  I'm looking forward to what the next one will be.